Terry A. Moore, LCAC
Terry Moore, LCAC
For over 30 years I provided counseling for people struggling with being abused or being abusive, have trouble understanding what's going on in their lives and/or their relationships, among other things. 
Perhaps you have a significant other that is abusing alcohol, drugs, gambling, or doing something else that is hurtful. Maybe you saw characteristics of yourself by reading my quiz, "Are you abusive?Now you don't know what to do? 

It is very common for someone with an abuse problem to feel so guilty and ashamed that it's inconceivable to think of admitting what you've done, or afraid of your image or reputation being damaged. I understand. However, no one can help you if you don't take the first step and force yourself to get help. 

The real cure to alleviate guilt is a process called "amends".  
Amends has three parts:
  1. Repair the harm I've done to the best of my ability. 
  2. Repair myself to ensure I won't make the same mistake again. 
  3. Forgive myself because I'm a human being. 
The truth...if you don't do it right...you won't succeed.

Abuse is anything we say or do that breaks the "golden rule" (treat others how I want to be treated). 100% of human beings are abusive and 100% of human are on the receiving end of abuse of others. When we abuse others we often are so hurt and upset ourselves that we become obsessed with wondering, "Why is everybody pointing the finger at me? They were abusive too! Look how I've been hurt, disrespected, humiliated, cheated, etc...." 

The question to ask is not, "Am I abusive?", but "Do I want to accept responsibility for
MY hurtful words and actions and learn how to change?"

The ancient philosopher Aristotle said, "The goal of life is happiness". Hasn't this stuff blocked your ability to be really happy long enough? 

Anyone can learn to be a kind, caring, loving person of integrity. No one needs to go through life with loved ones and others walking on egg shells feelings scared. The ball is in your court.

Currently I am retired, but I do still serve as President of
Abuse Counseling and Education, Inc. I started Nonviolent Alternatives in August 1991.

One characteristic that is very common in struggling relationships is "Blame Shifting". This is when one or both people are unable to accept their own responsibility for their part in the power and control struggle they're experiencing. Both people likely feel hurt and victimized. 
Both people feel they've been the one whose been mistreated and abused. Both people become so full of hurt that never gets resolved and healed. So the hurt becomes anger and resentment. Resentments build and build and eventually turn into hatred. What was once deep intimacy and love is now hurt, resentment, anger, hatred, and bitterness.

If the relationship ends and nothing is done to heal, then all this resentment and hatred becomes baggage that is carried to the next relationship. The cycle repeats over and over.  

My advice, if your partner won't get help, then you get help anyway. Especially if you have children. Your children deserve to have at least one parent who is learning how to be sane, rational, peaceful, and happy. That way the children will have at least half a chance of learning the path to happiness for themselves too.